[light-hearted music] Now about these reports of bullying in your class, I suppose my question is why do the kids pick on you so much?

I don't know.

I try to be their friend.

Do you ever think that might be the problem?

How do you mean?

I hope you don't mind me saying, Alan, but you can be... quite a weak character sometimes.

-Oh.

-And a bit of a pushover.

-I see.

-You're not gonna cry, are you?

Probably.

Look, come over here.

The thing to understand is they're not human.

-They're not?

-[scoffs] No.

Absolutely not.

They're organisms, entirely engineered to induce rage, fear and depression in adults.

They are set upon our destruction.

I didn't realise.

We have to stand up to them, Alan.

For the sake of humanity.

We're like Terminators.

-Exactly.

-Robocop.

-Yes!

-Mrs Doubtfire.

Not so much.

Permission to go and crack some skulls, sir!

If you mean metaphorically, then get out of here, soldier!

[children playing outdoors] Open or closed?

[Philip sighs hopelessly] Did I mention I've got my appraisal today?

Just the 17 times.

I'm expecting quite a handsome bonus.

Uh-huh.

There might be something in it for you.

So what, you're now hoping to buy my affection?

Yes.

OK. -I need you to sign this.

-What is it?

Consent for my work experience.

Why are you doing work experience?

You're 10.

We don't all want to end up like you.

What is that supposed to mean?

There are lots of important jobs out there besides law and accountancy.

Just sign the form.

Are you coming?

Give me one second.

Here you go.

Well done.

Enjoy.

[opening theme music plays] [Caitlin] Look at him.

-[Portis] Seriously.

-What?

-We all know you're gonna get a great appraisal, Tim.

-Hm, -What do you mean?

-Oh, come on.

We're just employees around here, you're his boyfriend.

-[Moritz] I resent that.

-Thank you.

-Wait, why?

-[Examiner] OK, listen up people.

Excited about your appraisal?

The appraisal that will be positive yet critical?

-Mainly positive.

-But no more favourable than anyone else's?

Shall we do it over lunch?

Sir, you do treat all the agents equally, yes?

Of course, not!

Tim, come on.

You are my North, my South, my East, my... God, would you help me out?

Appraise me.

Er... OK. Technically, you have some limited ability, but you have the interpersonal skills of a sociopath.

[Moritz] I-I-I'm just focused.

[chuckles] Focused!

You're cruel, callous and selfish.

I'm generally ashamed to have you in my department.

And your bonus this year is the statutory minimum of 37 pence.

Anything else you want to add?

-No, sir.

-Cool.

Right, who's next?

You!

Come along.

And he's gonna be just as tough on me.

Hey, Tim, I've arranged for you and I to go... bowling afterwards.

Yes!

Aahh, I hate bowling.

Paul and Mia, you're going to spend the day at Garrett's Solicitors.

Daniel, you're going to Carver Aeronautical Engineering.

Marcus, you're going to Chaudhri's Import/Export Emporium... Er, excuse me... did you just say import/export?

Yes.

You did put 'Retail' on your form, so...

There's clearly been some sort of misunderstanding, so if you'd assign me to the proper position, we can move on.

I'm sorry, but it's too late for that.

Are you refusing to change my assignment?

I suppose, I am.

[Western showdown musical sting] You're going to regret this, Alan.

That's Mr Harris to you.

Now, get your things together.

I'll be back, Right.

-Who's next?

-[female voice] You are.

Director.

[suspenseful music] -[Marcus] Hello?

-You must be Marcus, eh?

-Yes.

-Do you want a suit?

-No.

-I can do you a lovely suit.

£30.

-No, thank you.

-25, and a set of tyres.

-I don't drive.

-Ah, you negotiate hard.

I like that.

So do you have any idea what I do here?

Sell high volumes of low-quality stock for maximum profit?

Wrong!

Actually, yes, that's exactly what I do here.

But do you know why I do this?

For the money.

Wrong!

Well, yes, for the money obviously.

But, no.

It's because I like to humiliate stupid people.

I want to sell these fools things they don't need for money they don't have.

And then I like to smear the cash against my naked thighs.

Er... don't worry.

That's a Punjabi expression.

But tell me this, do you feel pity for these idiots?

You have no idea.

You're looking good.

We go way back.

47.

Actually, I'm a little older.

47 innocent civilians dead.

-It's been a busy year.

-That was last week.

Ah, but... how many terrorists did we get?

-None.

-Really?

Do you know what your opposite number -at MI6 said of you?

-No.

No, neither do we.

He was shot dead on one of your missions.

What can I say, we are facing a ruthless enemy.

-You shot him.

-And I have apologised.

Jeez!

How many times?

What is... Whose side are you on anyway?

[Leslie] Hers.

-I thought you and I - -No.

This is ridiculous.

You know me.

You know the way I work.

I get results.

[scoffs nervously] What do you want from me?

I want your ID and your weapon.

[office phone ringing] Please be advised that as of 11:53 this morning, The Examiner has been put on suspension pending the outcome of a disciplinary investigation.

In the interim, I will be your Acting Chief.

Are there any questions?

No.

Good.

Don't worry.

-It's a misunderstanding.

-It's not.

-I'll be back soon.

-He won't.

Wow.

I can't believe it.

Me neither.

What about my appraisal?

[light-hearted upbeat music] You certainly seem happier.

It's like they actually listen to me.

-I remember when I first... -Stop running!

-Sorry, you were saying something.

-No don't worry.

Oh, actually, that reminds me, you couldn't cover netball practice tonight?

It's just that Susan's ill, and... Yeah, right.

I wish I could, but tonight's not great for me actually.

-Oh.

-Yeah, sorry.

No, no it's, OK. No problem.

I'll just find someone else.

Tuck your shirt in!

OK, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'll give you 20 suits for a pony each, as long as you take five sewing machines off me for a bullseye.

They're already discounted for cash.

Do you think I'm some kind of mug?

OK.

I'll have them over to you by five.

Alright, nice one.

Ta-ta now.

I actually think I love you more than my own children.

Your file makes quite some reading.

Thank you.

Tim has it all.

The stature of Colossus, the intellect of Socrates...” -Well... -'...and the skin tone of Kate Winslet.'

-Does it say that?

-I don't approve of favouritism in the workplace.

Oh, I don't... think it's favouritism...

Plane tickets to Tenerife?

Everyone was invited.

I wasn't.

Sonnets?

A practical joke.

[laughs] Drawings of you as a gladiator?

As a gla... sorry... Yeah, that... that's quite weird.

So, given this overwhelming evidence of bias, I'm afraid, I cannot award you any bonus this year.

But I'm sure you wouldn't want to receive one under these circumstances?

No.

I know some of you are finding these changes difficult.

The adjustment will be painful.

But you will emerge -with a new sense of... -[cough] professionalism that...

I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Oh.

No, don't worry about it... erm... Portis.

Portis... OK... Erm... [laughing] Where was I, erm... No, it's totally gone!

Oh, embarrassing!

Erm... OK, carry on.

You too, Portis.

[Jeff] ...but with your support, I think I can make it.

[applause] Thank you, Jeff.

Who wants to go next?

How about you?

Er, OK. Erm, my name is The Examiner.

And it's been three days since my last assassination.

[applause] I've had a very bad day.

I know that feeling.

[group chuckling] You know, it's funny, they say our job in the Secret Service is to protect the public, but... [chuckles] what do we know about their lives?

We get to travel first class, wear Saville Row suits, get to execute criminals... and the odd innocent civilian.

[chuckles] I know I have.

Hm, and we're certain that we're the heroes.

But, erm... I- I don't know.

I mean, are the real heroes the people out there?

The ones with the Oyster Cards and... microwaves and tracker mortgages?

Yeah, I've been in the Secret Service since I was, erm... 23.

I was head of MI5... until today.

My name is The Examiner.

And I don't know who I am.

[children playing] So, how was the work experience?

-Amazing.

-Really?

Yeah, I always thought retail was about selling objects.

But it isn't -Isn't it?

-No.

It's about selling dreams.

And all you need is enough idiots to buy them.

-[Philip] Hi, Alan - -Knock, please.

Come.

Erm, you wanted to talk to me.

Yes, thank you.

Philip, I have become increasingly concerned about the lack of discipline and moral fibre amongst the children.

-I see.

Well - -So I've informed the School Governors.

They'll be carrying out an inspection.

What?

You can't do that.

I'm the headmaster of this school.

For now.

-[gasps] What's that supposed to mean?

-Good day, Mr Quill.

Erm... open or closed?

I love this.

Is it Jigsaw?

-J Crew.

-[gasps] Very nice.

So I hear that you and Portis are, er, you know Agent Portis and I are in a relationship, yes.

You're a lucky girl.

-He's a fine-looking man.

-Thank you.

What does he weigh?

185, 190?

I don't know.

Why?

Oh, no reason.

Just like to get to know my team, intimately.

Does he mention me at all?

Mention you?

You know, at home.

In private.

-In bed.

-What?

You've got such lovely hair.

OK?

I heard you used to date Tim as well?

-Not exactly.

-He's a nice-looking boy.

-What about him?

-What about him?

-You could go out with him.

-I'm going out with Portis.

Right, forgot that.

The thing is... and this is the real bugger, relationships between agents aren't actually allowed.

-Since when?

-This morning.

-This morning?

-I know.

You just said I should date Tim.

[gasps] Good idea.

I'm sure I can make an exception.

So make an exception for Portis.

-No can do, I'm afraid.

-Why?

That's classified.

I don't feel comfortable having this conversation.

-I quite understand.

-May I go?

Of course.

-Loving all this.

-Hmm.

-Let me know if you need help.

-Just looking.

She's nice, isn't she?

You clearly know your motors.

-A little.

-Come on, let's go.

Four-wheel drive, anti-skid boots, front and rear diffs.

-Wow.

-[Marcus] Yeah.

She's got serious power under the hood.

I'd only show her to the professional driver, but you look like you can handle it.

-You've already got a car.

-I'm just looking.

What's the matter with you today?

We're supposed to look at chemistry equipment.

We will!

In a minute.

I can get the controller if you wanna take her for a spin?

-We really don't have time.

-Yes.

Thank you, that would be great.

We always have to do what you want.

[light-hearted intriguing music] [music continuing] I can explain.

Don't bother.

What's the matter?

Why aren't you angry?

What's the point?

Is this about Harris?

[Harris] What about Harris?

[camera shutter clicks] Oh yes, the Governors are going to be fascinated by this.

Oh well, there goes my job.

Maybe not.

[The Director giggles] You are kidding?

[laughing] No, ma'am.

And to this day, I can't look at a Shih Tzu without feeling nauseous!

[exaggerated laughter] That's a wonderful story.

-Look at her.

-What about him.

That is blatant favouritism.

Yes ma'am, no ma'am.

-I've got stories.

-Old enough to be his mother.

You know what you have to do?

[upbeat music] [bell tinkles] [Examiner] Ohh, Tim!

[delighted chuckles] Hello, sir.

Ah, lovely.

-[Examiner mutters] -How are you?

Wonderful.

Erm... Do you want something?

I, erm...

I have a coupon for a free muffin.

-Has... Oh, f... oh, no I'm fine thanks.

-Oh.

Suit yourself.

Something for me to look forward to tomorrow!

[Tim] Yeah.

What have you been up to then?

Oh, me?

Busy.

Busy as a bee.

Yes.

I've got very into car boot sales and antiquing.

And, er, I've been watching that, erm... New show.

Erm... 'Murder She Wrote.'

Have you seen it?

-That's quite old, actually.

-Really?

-It's tremendously exciting.

-Hm.

Sir?

The office isn't the same without you.

The Director... -is a bit of a tyrant.

-Yeah.

Doesn't have your flair.

Ah, that's very kind of you, but I'm sure she's doing an excellent job.

-So are you prepared for your disciplinary hearing?

-No.

No I'm not gonna contest it.

-What?

-Yes, it was time.

Make way for some new blood.

No, you can't do that.

No, we miss you.

We need you.

Yes, I appreciate that, Tim.

I really do.

But I'm not coming back.

Wha... you...

I don't understand.

Well, I'm happy.

How can you be happy with this?

You'll understand one day.

But I want the old Examiner back.

Tim...

The Examiner's dead.

[Harris] So if you can spare me a few more minutes, I would welcome the opportunity to let you know about some of my plans for the school if I were lucky enough to be appointed headmaster.

[machinery rattling noisily] [Harris] What on earth?

I'm sorry, sir, but this batch is gonna have to be delayed.

Oliver passed out.

[Philip] Mr Harris... What have I told you about using child labour for your export business?

But I don't know anything about this.

Well, you leave me no option but to call the police.

Again.

I'm sorry you had to witness this.

Alan's been under a lot of pressure, recently.

Gambling debts.

[Harris] But... but... Hasta la vista , Alan.

What do you mean he's not coming back?

Where have you been?

Oh, s...

I... just had to pop out and see someone.

You'll be staying late to catch up?

Unfortunately, no.

I have to pick my son.

You should have thought of that before.

Portis.

Wait up!

Who's gonna pick up Marcus?

-[Marcus] Thanks for this.

-Aaaah, it's my pleasure.

-Nearly done.

-OK, I'll be right there.

I have to go.

Can you really not drive?

No.

How about you?

What do you say?

Can we run a quick errand?

[Marcus] It's just up there.

The rest is in the van.

What's with granddad?

-He's with me.

-Hello.

This is short.

Thing is... we've been hearing Chaudhri's going through another fence.

It's a free market.

-He makes a good point.

-[thug 2] He does.

Tell you what, on this occasion, we are prepared to take this lot off you for free.

Hey, give that back.

Erm, is this really necessary?

Take a walk, Poligrip.

-But the... -Help me!

Yeah, it's time for you to disappear, mate.

[Marcus] Help!

Help me!

No, help!

-[suspenseful music] -Perhaps, he's gone to get Neighbourhood Watch.

Here, tie him up.

I reckon we can get Chaudhri to cough up another ton for the kid.

-[Marcus] Help!

-You know what?

These are pretty decent threads.

[Examiner] I agree.

-Wait outside.

-What about you?

I'll be right behind you.

[thug] Running away, are we?

-[action music] -[shouts, rattling] [noise stops] [gate opening] -[suave music] -[Examiner chuckles] [inhales] Are you alright?

[exhales] I'm terrific.

-You got my money back.

-I don't think so.

This world's not for you, son.

Do you really work with my dad?

I used to.

-What did you say you did again?

-I didn't.

[The Director] Well, after a detailed investigation, I regret to inform you that the Examiner... -has been reinstated.

-[agents] Yes!

On a probationary basis.

I must say I was somewhat surprised by the apparent lack of incriminating evidence.

Yeah, erm, thank you, Director, for looking after my team.

You're welcome to them.

If you need... anything, you call me.

OK. -[Examiner] Yeaah... yes!

-[agents] Yes!

-[Examiner laughs] -So what happened?

Er, I dunno, I just... kind of remembered who I am, [chuckles] Now then, who's up for some bowling, huh?

[chuckling] It's good to have you back, sir.

Thanks, thanks, Tim.

How did you dodge those charges?

[Leslie coughs] Yeah, yeah.

Erm, right.

Erm, plane tickets.

And, oh, yeah, the keys... to my villa.

Thank you.

Are you two, erm... No.

Ppfff.

Leslie, wait up!

Leslie?

[closing theme music plays]