[music playing] [crow caws] [church bell tolls] [wind blowing] [church bell tolls] Bah!

Humbug!

-[clock chimes] -What?

Oh, hush, confounded chimes!

[chiming stops] Wherever I go, all I see is this clock staring back at me.

[sighs] No good in funerals.

Marley wouldn't have approved himself.

-[wires creaking] -Waste of money!

-[audience laughter] -Waste of time!

-[both grunt] -Hey!

Hey!

Oh, God.

Oh!

Get-- Get off me!

-All right, everyone out.

-[BBC director] Who are you?

-Head of the BBC.

-[woman] That was a Twix.

-[BBC director] Get out!

-[audience laughter] All right.

Plan B it is.

-[grunts] -[BBC director groans] [audience laughter] -Coats.

-Yes!

That's right.

Now, come on.

What are you doing?

You said I'd be taking over as Scrooge.

No, I'm playing Scrooge, that's why I've got the nose.

You're playing the Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come.

He doesn't have any lines.

The cast said they'd walk if you played Scrooge!

What, the whole cast?

I'm the leading actor!

No, you're the worst actor in the company.

[audience gasping] Auntie Diana, you promised.

Just hurry up.

Well, you'll have to do it over the phone then.

-[Dennis] Annie.

Annie!

-What?

What?

I can't remember any of my lines.

-Again?

-It's the nerves.

Come with me.

-What if you become ill?

-I won't!

What if you get injured?

I would have to be completely incapacitated to pull out now.

[audience laughter] Really?

[indistinct shouting] [Trevor] Oh, give it here.

[BBC director] Just stop, stop!

[grunts] [Trevor clears throat] Uh, good evening, BBC viewers.

Unfortunately, the cast of the Christmas Carol have all been taken ill. [man] Give me the microphone.

[Trevor] No, you get off.

It's my microphone!

Mine!

But don't worry, the Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society happened to be passing by and will be filling in, with special guest narrator Sandra's aunt, Dame Diana Rigg.

Please enjoy A Christmas Carol.

[music playing] [keyboard keys clacking] [audience laughter] [audience laughter] [church bell tolls] -[audience laughter] -Bah.

Humbug!

-[clock chimes] -Hush, confounded chimes!

[audience laughter] Everywhere I go... all I see is that... damn clock.

[audience laughter] Everywhere I go... all I see is that damn clock staring back at me!

[audience laughter] Ha!

No good in funerals, anyhow.

Marley wouldn't approve himself.

Waste of money.

Waste of time.

[wind blowing] [Diana] Marley was dead to begin with.

There was no doubt whatever about that.

[audience laughter] -[gasps] -[groans] [audience laughter] The register of his burial was signed by the solemn undertaker, and, of course, the only mourner, his partner, Mr. Scrooge.

[thud] [audience laughter] [audience laughter] [groans] [groans] [splutters] [keyboard keys clacking] [audience laughter] [woman] Auntie Diana, you're on.

Go!

On Christmas Eve, Scroog walked into his counting house.

He was a tightfisted hand on the grindstone, a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, covetous old sinner, -who was as hard as flint.

-[horse neighs] The weather was biting.

But cold and heat had little influence on Scrooge.

-[snow machine whirring] -[audience laughter] No warmth could warm him.

No wintry weather could chill him.

[woman shrieks] No wind that blew was bitterer than he.

-[snow machine whirring] -[grunts] Get off!

[grunts] Stop it!

Stop it!

[grunts] Stop!

[snow machine stops] -[thumps] -[Trevor] Ow!

[groans] [Diana] There was not a man, woman, or child in London who chose to walk close to Scrooge in the street.

-Oh!

[groans] -Get off!

Get off!

[Diana] But as long as he was able to go about his business with thrift, and count his coins, what did Scrooge care?

[audience laughter] Merry Christmas, Mr. Scrooge.

Oh!

Merry Christmas, Uncle.

God save you.

-Bah, humbug.

-Christmas, a humbug?

Uncle, och, you don't mean that, I'm sure.

I do, Frances.

What's Christmas but another time to find yourself a year older, and not an hour richer?

[Frances] Oh!

Every idiot who goes about with "Merry Christmas" on his lips should be boiled in his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.

Oh!

Wipe that stupid smile from your face.

I have every reason to smile, Uncle, and make merry at this time of year.

What reason have you to be merry?

You're poor enough.

What reason have you to be dismal?

You're rich enough.

What else can I be while I live in such a world of fools as this?

Why is one a fool for wishing her uncle a merry Christmas?

-Because it does you no good.

-Does me no good?

It is the one time in the long calendar of the year when men and women can open their shut-up hearts freely, -and hold out their hands... -[grunts] ...to those below them as their true companions.

Fine speech, Frances.

You belong in Parliament.

[Frances] Christmas, Uncle, though, it has never put a scrap of gold in my pocket, has done me good, and will do me good, -and I say God bless it.

-[glue splashes] [audience laughter] "Miss Frances."

-[pistol clatters] -[audience laughter] "What a pleasure it is to see you."

Well, merry Christmas, Bob Cratchit.

[chuckles] "A merry Christmas to you, too!"

-"We hear a knock at the door."

-[knocking on door] Oh, a knock at the door!

Oh, that must be the lovely couple raising money for the orphanage.

What merry, bold, and charitable souls they are.

[door opens] [audience laughter] Have I the pleasure of addressing Mr. Scrooge or Mr. Marley?

Mr. Marley died seven years ago this very day.

[woman] Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

We're raising money for the orphanage to care for the sickly and make provision for the poor, like young Jane here.

[coins clattering] -On the shelf, Bugsworth.

-[Bugsworth] Yes, Mr. Scrooge.

Ah!

Merry Christmas, Miss Frances.

And to you.

[audience laughter] Ah, let me help you, Mr. Scrooge.

-[groans] -Oh, no!

He's completely incapacitated.

Don't worry, I'll step in.

-I'm fine!

-Humbug!

Get out, Bugsworth!

-[sighs] -[Scrooge pants, clears throat] What shall I put you down for, Mr. Scrooge?

-Nothing.

-You wish to be anonymous?

[audience laughter] I wish to be left alone and keep my money.

What would you want for the needy?

That they should die and decrease the surplus population!

"I have not much in my coin-purse."

Fear not, Mr. Cratchit.

You are poorer than most.

"But what little I have... you are welcome to."

"I'm afraid there is only a single penny I have saved."

Oh.

You would part with your only coin?

"Yes!"

[audience laughter] Do you not need it for your family?

"No."

Oh, thank you, Mr. Cratchit.

You'd give all you have to charity.

"No."

[audience laughter] "No"?

You don't want to give to charity?

-"Yes."

-[audience laughter] Are you sure?

-"No."

-[audience laughter] You have to make a choice.

Make a choice.

Will you give them the coin?

[audience laughter] -"Yes."

-Thank you!

-[clears throat] -"This bag was made in China."

[audience laughter] God bless you, Jane.

May the generosity of the goodly people of London Town keep you merry this Christmas.

[chuckles] Uh, merry Christmas, Miss Frances.

[chuckles] Merry Christmas, Mr. Cratchit.

"And to you!"

[audience laughter] Don't be cross, Uncle.

Say you'll come and dine with us tomorrow.

No, Frances.

I shall spend Christmas alone.

Kindly keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine.

-Keep it?

But you don't keep it!

-Let me leave it alone then.

Very well, Uncle.

If you change your mind, you have our address.

[chair clatters] [audience laughter] [chair clatters] [mouthing] Merry Christmas.

[audience laughter] [chair clatters, creaks] [chair thuds] [chair thuds] [audience laughter] [chair thuds] -[mouthing] -[chair thuds] Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

[grunts] -[pants] -[pistol clatters] Excuse me.

[audience laughter] -[object clatters] -[Frances whispers indistinctly] Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Can you just look...

Okay, Jane, get that.

-And the coat.

And the coat.

-[Jane groans] -The coat.

The coat.

-[chair clatters] -Just... -[Jane groans] Don't look, Bob, don't look.

Okay.

Just...

Right.

Just get my coat.

[sighs] Okay.

Come here.

Right.

Open the door, open the door, open the door.

Jane, open the door.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

Hold on.

[pants] And a merry Christmas to you, Bob Cratchit!

[audience laughter] [door closes] You'll want all day tomorrow, I suppose?

"If it's quite convenient, sir."

It's not convenient, Bob Cratchit!

"Christmas comes but once a year."

"Look outside at the people going about their business with glee."

"This is not a time for money, but for family, and mine would appreciate me home, sir."

Spare me your foolish humbug, Cratchit.

I...

I, uh...

I...

I... [audience laughter] I...

I, uh, I...

I... "I am not a rich man!"

[books clatter] "If I can spend Christmas with my family, I would be content to... gnaw... upon a bone or sleep on a bed of warts."

[audience laughter] Fine, Cratchit, take the whole day.

[audience laughter] "Uoy sselb!"

-Bless you.

-Thank you.

[audience laughter] Humbug!

But be here all the earlier the next morning!

[Bob] "Wang!"

[audience laughter] [owl hoots] [owl hoots] [keys jangle] [gasps] [audience laughter] Jacob Marley?

-Scroo... -[knocker clangs] [audience laughter] [muffled] Scrooge.

[knocker clinks] [door thuds] -[keys jangle] -Humbug.

[lock clicks] [Diana] Scrooge, shaken by the vision, went to search the rooms of his house for signs of an intruder.

[audience laughter] Finding nothing untoward, he returned to his bedroom, secure in the knowledge the house was completely empty other than Scrooge.

[bell rings] [audience laughter] [bells jingle] [audience laughter] [Scrooge whispering] I'll get it.

[grunts] -[Jacob] Scrooge.

-Who's there?

[Jacob] Ebenezer Scrooge.

-Humbug!

-[thunder roars] [thunder roars] What trickery is this?

Who are you?

In life, I was your partner, Jacob Marley.

You don't believe in me?

-I do not!

-Why do you doubt your senses?

Because a little thing affects them.

You may be an undigested bit of beef.

A blot of mustard.

There's-- There's more of gravy than a grave about you.

-[screams] -[thunder roars] [audience laughter] -[chain rattling] -[thuds] [Scrooge] That's it, you dreadful apparition.

-Why do you trouble me?

-[chain rattling] If a spirit goes not forth in life, -it is condemned to do so... -[thuds] ...after death.

I am doomed to wander through the world and witness what I cannot share.

[chain rattling] I wear the chain I forged in life.

I made it link by link and yard by yard.

-[chain rattling] -[grunts] [audience laughter] You must listen!

My time is nearly gone!

[grunts] -[chain rattling] -[thuds] [audience laughter] Oh, how I wish I could cast off these cursed chains!

-[chain rattling] -[Jacob groans] I am made captive by my deeds, but, like me, Scrooge, you have girded yourself a great chain which in time shall hang heavy around you.

[door lock clatters] Stay away, vile spirit!

I wish to see no more of you!

-[door lock clatters] -[Jacob] Unlock the door!

-Be gone!

-[door lock clatters] [Jacob] Undo the bottom one.

[audience laughter] [lock clicks] You will be haunted by three spirits.

[audience laughter] [chain rattling] Without their visits, you cannot hope to shun the path I tread.

Expect the first when the bell tolls one.

Farewell, Scrooge!

Scrooge.

[chain rattling] [Diana] Scrooge was left alone again.

[door creaks] [audience laughter] [door closes] [Diana] He looked out through his window, -which was locked shut... -[wind blowing] ...undisturbed, just as it was before the ghost arrived.

[audience laughter] Resolved to forget what he had experienced, Scrooge went to bed... and blew out the light.

[blows] [audience laughter] [audience laughter] [audience laughter] [clock chimes] Are you the spirit whose coming was foretold to me?

I am!

[audience laughter] Who and what are you?

Come close and I shall tell you.

[audience laughter] I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.

I shine with the light of a thousand Christmases gone.

[Scrooge] I have never seen your like before.

May I look closer?

[crew] Oh, oh!

No, no, no!

Oh!

Oh!

[clamoring] By my light, you shall see the truth of your past.

Take me in your hand, Scrooge.

-[wind whooshes] -[grunts, pants] Your past is hidden beyond these walls.

-Step through with me.

-I am mortal, Spirit, I cannot.

By my light, you shall.

-[creaks, thuds] -Humbug!

[groans] [audience laughter] This way, Mr. Scrooge.

Oh!

[Diana] And with that, Scrooge and the spirit disappeared from his bedroom.

[spirit] Tip me through.

I don't have hands.

-[Scrooge mutters] -Just tip me through.

-[Scrooge] Just go.

-[spirit] Tip me.

-Just tip... -[Scrooge mutters] -Tip me, tip me, tip me!

-[Scrooge grunts] -Tip me!

-[smoke machine hissing] [Scrooge] You're not moving.

Just-- Just shush.

[spirit] Wait.

Have we disappeared?

[Scrooge] Yes.

Shh!

[Diana] And Scrooge found himself soaring over open fields and woodland.

Oh, I'm not sure, Spirit.

May we not fall?

We shall not, Mr. Scrooge.

-[birds chirping] -Where are you taking me?

My light shall show you the man you once were.

[laptop chimes] [mumbles] [keyboard clacks] [automated voice] Welcome to Greenscreen 1-2-3, where with just one click, you can be on a beach or at the Eiffel Tower.

Overlay your own exciting footage.

[dance music playing] [audience laughter] Well, I think Robert would make a great leading actor.

Oh, come on!

It's Ebenezer Scrooge, not Ebenezer Huge.

[audience] Ooh!

[audience laughter] Ow.

[audience laughter] Ow!

[groans] Stop it!

Stop it!

Ow!

Stop it!

Stop!

Get off!

Get off!

[grunts] Darn it!

Get off!

-[Robert] Oh!

-What?

-[Robert] Oh, no!

Oh, God!

-[screams] [groans] Oh, no, he's completely incapacitated.

-I'm not!

-Humbug!

I'm fine!

[grunts] I wanna be in a grown-up relationship.

[dance music playing] I don't wanna be dating Max anymore.

When are you gonna do it?

After we finish Christmas Carol?

-Yeah.

-[laptop chimes] [audience] Aw!

[audience laughter] [audience laughter] [laptop chimes] [sighs] Good heavens.

I know this place.

I grew up here.

This is where Belle and I would court.

And there we are.

I'm sorry, Ebenezer.

We cannot be together any longer.

Why, my love?

Another idol has displaced me that you love more.

Uh, who-- Who is this idol that you speak of?

There is no one else.

The pursuit of wealth and gain engrosses you.

I don't understand.

You have grown hard and unfeeling, like your partner, Mr. Marley.

Please, don't leave me.

Our contract is an old one, made when we were both poor.

I can change.

You are changed.

When it was made, you were a different man.

I release you with a heart full of love for the man you once were.

Goodbye, my dearest.

Goodbye.

[audience laughter] [grunts] Goodbye, my dearest.

Oh, Spirit.

Why do you delight in torturing me?

Dry your tears, Ebenezer.

You must to bed before the other spirits arrive.

[bell tolling] [Trevor] Oh, no.

Sorry, mate.

Sorry.

[audience laughter] [Diana] And just as Jacob Marley said, -upon the stroke of two... -[clock chimes] ...Scrooge heard the merry sound of laughter.

[spirit] Ho, ho, ho.

[crying] [audience laughter] [sniffs] -Hello, Scrooge.

-Who are you, Spirit?

I am the Ghost of Christmas Present.

I am cheer, I am joy, I am Christmas.

[breathes deeply] Come, and know me better, man.

Oh, Spirit, I have seen enough for one night.

I cannot bear another heartbreak.

I beg you, leave me be.

Haunt me no longer.

-[thud] -Humbug!

[groans] Haunt me no longer.

No, me.

No, me.

-Get off!

[groans] Get off!

-Me!

Me!

-[thud] -[Robert grunts] [grunts, pants] Well, worry not, Scrooge.

Your journey with me shall not be one of heartbreak, but of mirth.

Now, come.

-You look hungry.

-What is all this?

Why, it is the bounty of Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho!

-I don't believe... -[thuds] [Robert groans] ...you have merely come to feed me.

Tell me, Spirit, the purpose of your visit.

Each year, you have shunned the present, but this year you will mark the lessons it holds.

-[bottle shatters] -[Robert groans] Very well.

Conduct me where you will.

If you have aught to teach me, I shall listen and profit by it.

Then follow me to the street, Scrooge.

Show me something I may smile upon.

-[gasps] Jacobi!

-Ho, ho, ho!

-[dart whizzes] -[chokes] Oh, no, he's completely incapacit-- Oh, for God's sake!

Right, come on, Jacobi.

Uh, come down to the street, Scrooge, and see how the goodly people celebrate Christmas.

A day where all mankind can forget their position and go about with glee and good tidings.

Masters and servants, judges and scoundrels, landlords and lodgers can all make merry together and wish each other well.

Do you recognize this house, Scrooge?

Why, 'tis Bob Cratchit's house, for sure.

Here comes his youngest, Tiny Tim, walking home.

Ah, Tiny Tim, the sweetest, dearest boy that there ever was.

[Tim groans] [audience laughter] [splutters] Ho, ho, ho!

Uh, come, Scrooge, look through the window and observe how these humble folk live.

[chuckles] [Mrs. Cratchit] I've had the children clean up before we eat.

What will we be having for Christmas dinner, Bob?

Bob?

"A goose."

Oh, Bob, you saved up for it.

How wonderful.

"Anything for you, my sweet?"

"A drop to drink?"

Oh, why, thank you.

How was Tiny Tim at church?

"As good as gold and better."

"He told me coming home he hoped people saw him because he was a cripple and it might be pleasant for them to remember upon Christmas Day, who made lame beggars walk and blind men see."

-"Enough wine for you, my dear?"

-Plenty.

[audience laughter] I pray for him every day.

Here he comes now.

"Hello, Mama!"

"Tim, come here, my little boy."

[audience laughter] "Lift me in your arms, Papa."

[audience laughter] "Whee."

Oh, Tim, you do look frail of late.

I am frail.

Frail and ill. Achoo.

"Uoy sselb!"

[audience laughter] Sit up to the table, my little Tim.

[audience laughter] -Oh, Mama.

-[groans] [audience laughter] "Now, let us raise a glass to Mr. Scrooge, the founder of the...

feast."

The founder of the feast indeed.

That hard, unfeeling scoundrel is the cause of our suffering!

[groans] Mr. Scrooge has not the kind family I have.

-Hmm.

-I pity him.

-Hmm.

-Alone on Christmas Day.

-We maybe poor... -[shrieks] ...but we are rich in company, eat, Father.

[groans] There is the wealth Mr. Scrooge may never know.

-[clangs] -[Mrs. Cratchit groans] [audience gasps] To Mr. Scrooge.

[both] The founder of the feast.

God bless us!

No-- God bless us, everyone.

[audience laughter] -A remarkable boy.

-[hooves clopping] Tell me, Spirit, if Tiny Tim will live.

I see a vacant seat and a crutch without an owner.

Do I really pay Bob so poorly?

They have such a meagre feast... but what a fine family they are.

Tiny Tim is such a... brave boy.

Mrs. Cratchit such a loyal and devoted woman.

But they should get on with dying and decrease the surplus population, should they not?

What more can you afford to pay?

I don't only care about myself, do I?

Come, there is more to see.

Do you recognize this house, Scrooge?

[Scrooge] It belongs to my niece, Frances.

There she is now.

Oh, uh... Oh, dear.

It looks like they've got the decorators in.

I'm sure they'll be done any moment now.

And there we are, they're done.

[all laughing] Is it a vegetable?

-Not a vegetable, no.

-Mineral then?

Not a mineral, which leaves you with?

-Animal.

-Quite so.

-Alive?

-More or less.

Oh, my dear Frances.

Why must you always be so cryptic?

[chuckles] Is this animal disagreeable or friendly?

Oh, disagreeable, for sure.

-Does it growl?

-Sometimes.

[audience laughter] -Is it found in England?

-It's found in London, Topper.

A horse.

No, but it says "nay" more than a horse does.

[all laugh] [laughs] -Is it a pig?

-Is it a fox?

Is this animal domesticated?

Mm, hardly.

-Frances... -[lock rattling] ...I know what it is.

[clears throat] [audience laughter] [lock clicks] A disagreeable creature, but none of these.

It is your uncle, Ebenezer Scrooge.

It is!

It is!

Oh, bravo, Topper!

-[Topper chuckles] -Oh.

[audience laughter] A disagreeable creature.

Is that what they think?

And a growling one.

But what does Scrooge care what these fools believe?

I don't care.

Indeed.

More or less dead, hardly domesticated.

What childish blabber.

I care perhaps a little.

The time has come for me to away and let in another spirit before Christmas Day.

[groans] [audience laughter] [Trevor] I'm sorry.

[spirit] It's all right.

Don't worry.

-I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry, mate.

-[spirit] I'm fine.

[audience laughter] [bell tolls] [bell tolls] [Trevor whispering] Damn it.

[mumbles] [grunts] Oh.

[groans] Sorry, mate.

Sorry.

[audience laughter] [gasps] -[whimpers] -[wind blowing] [thuds] [audience laughter] [Scrooge gasps] [gulps] [audience laughter] [spirit groans] [spirit groans] Oh.

[groans, clears throat] [gasps] [spirit grunts] Come.

Come on!

[grunts] Come.

Come on.

[pants, groans] [groaning] [mumbles] [groans] [audience laughter] Are you the Ghost... of Christmas Yet to Come?

[audience laughter] [audience laughter] [audience laughter] -[laptop chimes] -[dance music playing] [audience laughter] [Max] Sandra?

[audience] Aw!

I've got good news.

That agent just called.

He's going to take me on.

[chuckles] He said the exposure from Christmas Carol will easily get me that advert.

We'll never have to work with this bunch of freaks again.

[chuckles] [laptop chimes] [audience laughter] [audience] Aw!

[bell tolls] [bell tolls] I don't suppose anyone will attend the old goat's funeral.

[creaking] "He never gave a penny to charity."

"He stole from the poor."

[creaking] Selfish.

Spirit... show me some tenderness connected with a death... or this dark conversation will be forever present to me.

[spirit groans] [audience laughter] [groans] [groans] [mumbles] [sobs] Oh, my poor Tim.

Be at peace, my dear, sweet boy.

[screams, breathes deeply] [Scrooge] Why did you put him in the coffin?

[spirit] Well, how else am I supposed to keep him contained?

[bell tolls] -[clangs] -[bell tolls] Oh.

Oh, come on!

[groans] -[clangs] -[spirit groans] Yes, he died a week ago, I heard.

Good Lord, I thought he'd never die!

[both laugh] Well, I certainly shan't miss him.

Nor I.

He was very unpopular.

[audience laughter] [clangs] [audience laughter] [audience laughter] Spirit... are these the shadows of things that will be?

Or are they the shadows of things that may only be?

-[thunder rumbling] -[lightning crackles] Oh.

[sobs] Spirit... a man may change the course of his life!

[sobs] Sp-- Spirit, I...

Spirit, I'm sorry.

I have been greedy and selfish.

I've served myself before others... and shut out the gift of their kindnesses.

I'm sorry to everyone.

All of you.

I've taken you all for granted.

I thought I wanted to go it alone, but... truth is...

I'd be lost without you.

In fact...

I believe...

I'm not feeling at all well.

I think...

I may be... completely incapacitated.

[grunts] Scrooge.

What?

[audience laughter] I'm completely incapacitated.

Mr. Scrooge.

Chris, I-- I don't know what to say.

-I couldn't.

-You have to.

We're all counting on our lead actor.

Chris, it-- It's your part and you should finish it.

I-- I'm not gonna... take your role.

Well, why don't we do it together?

No, I'll-- I'll do it.

[audience laughter] -Humbug!

-[all laughing] [Robert] Come on.

Quickly, we'll finish the thing.

[all clamoring] Here we are.

Come on, quickly.

Hurry up and go ahead.

Take this way.

Up to the bedroom.

Come on, quickly.

Hurry up, there's still time.

We can still make it work.

Come on.

Quickly!

Scrooge fell before the Spirit and woke to find himself in bed.

-[bells ringing] -Good morning.

I shall live in the past, present, and the future.

The spirits of all three shall strive within me.

You there, child.

What day is it?

It's Christmas Day!

Christmas Day?

Oh, Jacob Marley be praised!

Wait there, for I must speak with you a moment.

I shall have that girl run to the poulterer's and fetch the plumpest bird she can find in the shop.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Merry Christmas!

A merry Christmas to you, sir.

-[chuckles] Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas to one and all!

-[chuckles] [chuckles] Excuse me, are you playing Scrooge?

No.

Chris is playing Scrooge.

[audience laughter] I am not playing Scrooge.

You took over as Scrooge.

I only took over as Scrooge because you forced me to take over as Scrooge.

I did not force you to take over as Scrooge.

If anything, you forced me to play Scrooge by being such a bad actor!

Nobody forced either of you to play Scrooge!

You came here and took Scrooge from me by force!

Stop fighting.

Look, it doesn't matter who's playing Scrooge.

That's what we've learned tonight.

It's not what I've learned tonight.

I've learned that it absolutely matters!

I am Scrooge!

Get them out!

-No, no, no.

No.

-Come on, it's over.

-Now, Give-- [grunts] -[Robert grunts] They're using force!

They're using force!

No, no!

Chris!

Understudy!

I'm Scrooge!

[all clamoring] Quick!

Oh, damn.

The cameras.

[grunts] [all clamoring] Get off him!

[yelling indistinctly] Ow!

[all clamoring] [audience] Aw!

[Chris] Well, we may as well finish the show outside.

Quickly, everyone, outs-- [static] Go, go.

Hurry, quickly.

They're behind us.

[pants] [Trevor] Hold on, hold on, hold on.

We're-- We're still filming, so action!

Uh, here's a better idea.

Why don't we all go to the poulterer's and fetch a goose?

We shall take it to Bob Cratchit's house.

-Uh-huh.

-♪ Ding dong merrily on high ♪ ♪ In heaven The bells are ringing ♪ ♪ Ding dong merrily the sky... ♪ [all humming] [audience laughter] [all ♪ Gloria Hosanna in excelsis!

♪ Now, everyone, we must search for the plumpest goose we can find.

-Yes!

-♪ Jingle bells ♪ [all] ♪ Jingle bells Jingle all the way ♪ ♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh ♪ Ah, no goose then.

But fare well, Bob Cratchit, if this is what you desire most then it is what you shall have.

♪ For everyone at Christmas Loves goujons!

♪ [audience laughter] ♪ Hey, jingle bells ♪ [all] ♪ Jingle bells Jingle all the way... ♪ Sorry, would you mind if we went ahead of you?

Yes, I do mind.

[audience laughter] [all] ♪ Dashing through the snow On a one-horse open sleigh... ♪ -Greetings, good fellow.

-Hiya.

I would like to purchase these fine goujons, please.

That's 3.99, please.

Does anyone have any money?

Do you have any money?

"No."

[audience laughter] I appear to have left my coin-purse in my other britches.

[chuckles] If you don't have any money, you'll have to leave.

Might you be able to open your heart to those in need at Christmas?

-No, I'm sorry, mate.

-Please, it's for the Cratchits.

-Who?

-Please, we need them!

Eh... Just take whatever you want.

-Just take the money.

It's fine.

-Really?

But it's only goujons?

Yeah.

Take them.

Just don't hurt anyone.

-Yeah.

Yeah, bag it up, yeah.

-Doing it.

-Thanks.

Merry Christmas!

-[cashier] Mm-hmm.

[all] ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells... ♪ Give us a Snickers.

-Take one yourself.

-What?

-Take one yourself!

-Okay!

Okay!

And-- And this lady's shopping's free.

-Uh, yeah.

Whatever you say.

-Okay.

Merry Christmas.

[audience laughter] Oh, everyone, we shall return to Bob Cratchit's house and present him with the finest Christmas feast he's had in all his life.

[all humming] [all] ♪ Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la... ♪ [all humming] ♪ La, la, la, la La, la, la, la... ♪ Festive greetings!

We are traveling the town to wish everyone a merry Christmas.

-Oh.

[chuckles] -[all] Merry Christmas.

Oh, that's nice.

Might we enter and spread our joy to the fine townsfolk within?

-Not without a pass.

-Oh, dear.

That is a shame.

We had hoped we'd might be able to get back in the studio, but-- -[fire alarm blaring] -Oh, that's the fire alarm.

Um, if you could all just make your way out of the building and across the courtyard.

Thank you.

All of you.

-Will do!

-Thank you.

-[all humming] -[Chris] Shh!

Shh!

Shh!

[indistinct whispering] Oh, oh, oh!

Go, quick, quick, quick.

-No!

No!

-[banging on door] [all humming] -[Chris] Bob Cratchit?

-[door thuds] -[door thuds] -Bob Cratchit, are you in there?

[audience laughter] -No, I'm here.

-Go round, for God's sake.

Go.

[audience laughter] Merry Christmas, Bob!

A merrier Christmas than I have given you in many a year.

May I come in?

[Bob] "Yes!"

[audience laughter] Thank you, Bob.

I have come here to tell you that I intend to double your salary, and shall endeavor to... -To... -Assist your struggling family.

[audience laughter] To assist your struggling family.

[both] Tiny Tim shall walk again, and I shall keep Christmas in my heart.

First, though, let us all have a Christmas dinner.

What do you say, Bob?

"Yes."

[audience laughter] -Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

[indistinct chatter] [music playing] -Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-[music stops] -Pay attention, everyone.

Sorry, um, sorry.

Before we finish... there's something I'd like to say to Max.

You're gonna break up with me on-air.

What's wrong with you?

Break up with you?

Yeah.

I saw the video.

You said you didn't wanna be dating anymore.

I don't wanna be dating anymore.

I want to be married.

[audience gasping] To me?

[audience laughter] Yes.

I...

I had a whole plan.

I was gonna propose.

But-- But I saw you kissing Chris.

-What?

-Yeah.

-I thought we were friends.

-What are you-- Very nice.

But, look, I found something.

-[Max] What?

-Look at this.

-[dance music playing] -[indistinct chatter] Oh!

[chuckles] Look, same dress!

-All right, Chris?

-Yeah.

[audience laughter] That's my sister.

[audience laughter] -You were going to propose?

-Yeah.

-[door opens] -Right, that's it!

I've had it!

You've ruined Christmas again, all of you!

It wasn't enough to ruin the production last year.

Now you've sabotaged mine!

So, go on, get out of here.

We are going to perform our version from the top, now!

-But it's a proposal!

-And I don't care!

I'm going to give my performance.

The only chance you have of continuing is if I am completely incapacitated.

[car tires screech] [Derek groans] [groans] Oh!

Oh, come on, Derek.

This is not about you.

-Yeah.

But I-- I-- I-- -Bup, bup, bup, bup.

Oh, forget it.

-Ta-da!

[chuckles] -Thank you, Auntie Diana.

[sighs] -Oh.

-[chuckles] [all cheering, applauding] And so, as Tiny Tim observed-- Please, God bless us, ev-- [groans] God bless us, everyone!

-[laughs] -[applause] [music playing]